You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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