the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
