Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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