I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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