I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize