The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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