I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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