The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
