i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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