Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
