I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
