you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
