he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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