every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
