my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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