Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
