I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
