I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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