Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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