This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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