he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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