i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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