My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
