I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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