I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
