when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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