If i come over, it means nothing
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
