You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
