I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
