if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Randomize
