i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
