ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
