can we get nightvision for the apartment?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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