You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
