She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
