I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
