omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
