i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
