Im at strip club and am horny
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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