i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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