I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
