Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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