drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
