so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
