there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
