I want to have your abortion
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
