he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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