who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
