I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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