somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
