So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
