Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh god it's open bar.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize