When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
