the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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