well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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