An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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