Please, let me fuck your mom
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
