I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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