Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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