ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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