apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
