She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
