I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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