he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
